She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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