Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
