You made me cry and you don't even care
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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