i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
