do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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