you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
