i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
farters have to be the big spoon...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
