Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
