I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
