I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
