you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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