How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
