I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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