Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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