and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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