i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
