Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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