508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
