FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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