I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
