She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
