She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
