Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
