I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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