Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
