I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
