Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
