Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
