Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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