Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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