You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
