I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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