As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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