if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
