What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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