hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
