so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
