why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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