oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
