then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
