there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
