I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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