so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
