Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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