dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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