i don't like sucking hair
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
how does that bad decision feel?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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