My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
