honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
