he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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