i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
