Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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