Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
