omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
try to milk me bitch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
