that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
