Please, let me fuck your mom
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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