So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
