I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
