I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
