At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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