Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
